Program Helps Troubled Marriages

By RICHARD VARA

Houston Chronicle

HOUSTON -- For Cheryl Patrick, the choice seemed painful and terrifying: either divorce her husband, David -- or kill herself.

"I was kind of suicidal at that point," said Mrs. Patrick, 43, a Kingwood homemaker. "It was going to be either suicide or divorce, one or the other."

David Patrick, a CPA, was equally desperate in December 1989. He was frantically trying to save his marriage. The couple had already divorced in 1979, partly because of David's workaholic ways. But the couple remarried less than a year later. Ten years and three children later, the marriage was again imploding because many of the couple's problems remained unresolved, including David's long work hours.

"She actually decided to divorce me again," said David Patrick, 43. "I was pretty quick to realize I didn't want a divorce, but I didn't know what to do."

Marriage counseling wasn't working for the Patricks, members of Kingwood United Methodist Church. But through their involvement in Marriage Encounter, a Christian marriage enrichment program, the Patricks knew of Retrouvaille, a program for troubled marriages offered by Roman Catholic Diocese of Galveston-Houston.

Developed in Quebec, Canada, in 1977, Retrouvaille (French for rediscovery) begins with a weekend retreat program for troubled couples who want to restore their marriages. Even separated and divorced couples attend the weekend and a six-week, follow-up program learning to communicate and develop skills for fulfilling relationships. Retrouvaille claims an 85 percent success rate for couples completing the program. Its success has made the program popular in the United States and worldwide.

Winnie Honeywell, diocesan director of family life ministries, said more couples now want to fix their marriages rather than end them. "Divorce is not the answer some people think it is," said Honeywell, who introduced Retrouvaille into the diocese 15 years ago. The life of a divorced single or a single parent is not as fun-filled or romantic as films and TV depict, she said.

"One of the major problems today is the easiness in getting out of a lifetime commitment," said the Rev. Joe Gietl, a Catholic priest who participates in the weekends. "When times get tough or problems arise, it is easier to get out of marriage than to hang in there."

Honeywell said several studies finding long-term negative impact of divorce on children is also fueling more interest in marriage-saving programs.

Retrouvaille was a lifeline for the Patricks, who remain happily married. "We wouldn't be (together) if it weren't for that program," Cheryl Patrick said.

David Patrick learned of a Retrouvaille weekend just days prior to it. He begged a reluctant Cheryl to attend. "Honestly, she was just determined that we were going to divorce," he said.

"I wasn't receptive," Cheryl admits. "Mentally, I was convinced I was not in love with him at all." But she considered her children and she did not favor divorce on religious grounds. She agreed to attend just a few hours before the weekend program began Friday evening. The Patricks joined other couples and the Retrouvaille team, which includes three couples and a priest at a Houston-area hotel.

The couples listen to talks given by the team couples on interpersonal and relational skills. The team couples can also relate their experiences with many of the difficulties that can unravel marriages including unresolved anger, infidelity, the death of a child and other issues. The priest speaks on the spiritual dimension of a marriage. "It sounds trite, but God is the glue of marriage," Gietl said.

The married couples then go to their rooms and privately discuss the topics after each session. Often it is the first time that couples are able to express intimate feelings and deeply felt emotions. They begin tearing down walls that have often separated them.

"It turned things around, gave us hope and set us on the right track," David Patrick said.

"It is not a miracle cure," Cheryl Patrick said. "It takes a lot of work. But it gives you hope."

Roger and Pat Bate have seen many warring, alienated spouses become a united couple. The Bates attended the first Retrouvaille weekend held in Texas in Fort Worth in October 1984. Honeywell invited the couple to attend the weekend as observers so they could introduce the program in Houston.

But the Bates realized the program was addressing problems in their marriage. "When we got into the program, the reality hit us that we were one of those (troubled) couples," said Pat Bate, a homemaker and former nurse.

Like many couples, the Bates ignored unresolved hurts, indifference and anger while focusing on work and raising five children. "He was so busy doing his job and I was busy doing my job as mother and homemaker and all that Roger and Pat got lost," said Pat Bate, 61.

The program helped them reconnect. "We worked hard on communications and such," said Roger Bate, 63, who retired from chemical manufacturing last year. "We really had some rapid growth that year," he said.

Retrouvaille taught the couple principles of overcoming difficulties, principles that rescued the couple from the 1988 nightmare of losing their 27-year old son, Greg, to a drug overdose. Studies have shown that couples who lose a child have a divorce rate of nearly 80 percent.

"We don't question for a moment that had it not been for this program at that particular time, we would have gone under," Pat Bate said.

The couple received the support of other Retrouvaille couples.

"We were surrounded by couples and priests that were very supportive," she said. A support network is integral to healthy marriages during a crisis like job loss or death of a loved one, the Bates said. Too often, well-meaning friends and family are more willing to volunteer the name of a divorce attorney rather than help a troubled marriage, the Bates said.

In 1991, the Bates, along with Gietl, were elected international coordinators for Retrouvaille for a three-year term. Retrouvaille is in nearly every state in the U.S. and in Canada, Ireland, Mexico, South Africa and several other countries.

The Bates attribute the program's growth and popularity to a growing societal disillusionment with divorce. "Getting a divorce is not going to solve your problems," Pat Bate said. Retrouvaille often attracts divorced couples who find that divorce created more problems than a troubled marriage, Pat Bate said.

The program is successful because most participating couples want to make their marriages work, Roger Bate said. Couples plagued by drug or alcohol-related problems or abusive relationships are encouraged to seek professional help in addition to Retrouvaille, the Bates said. Any third-party relationships must also be terminated prior to beginning the program.

Couples pay a $75 registration fee and fill out a short application. The spouses are interviewed separately to make certain they are attending freely and are willing to attend the weekend program and follow-up sessions. The program is open to members of all faiths.

Despite the precautions, some couples attend because one or both are under pressure from children or other family members, the Bates said.

Retrouvaille is sometimes the last stop for couples who already have a court date for divorce proceedings. Some spouses even present court orders requiring separate housing.

Even couples with the severest problems are usually adept at masking their difficulties, Pat Bate said. But during the weekend, the couples' body language reveals the pain, frustration and hurt. Some look dejected or resigned. A few lash out angrily at the other spouse.

By Sunday, attitudes have changed. Smiling couples are sitting close together or are holding hands. At this point, the couples are warned that the follow-up sessions are necessary to build on the weekend's achievements.

Pat Bate remembered one woman who angrily demanded her registration fee back, stating that she hated her husband and did not want to live with him anymore.

The woman attended the weekend because Pat Bate refused to refund the money. "I have never seen anybody who was so unattractive," Pat Bate said. "I was amazed. She looked like the Wicked Witch of the West."

But by Sunday afternoon, the woman and her husband were sitting together happily. "And she was without a doubt one of the prettiest women I have ever seen," Pat Bate said.

Couples' pain can be so palpable that Gietl admits he does not enjoy the weekends, although he has participated in many across the nation. "But I know it is possible for them to be in a different place in a few weeks," he said. "The after-effect is the best part."

"You don't fall in love or fall out of love," Gietl said. "Love is a decision. You decide to love this man or this women until death do you part."

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For information on Retrouvaille in Houston, call 800-470-2230.

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Distributed by The Associated Press